Day Two: The Square

And we're back again for another rousing edition of Mustache Challenge 2011! 

Today's 'stache du jour was a little ditty known as The Square, assumedly named this because it's style is one that is primarily preferred by the non hip and/or the ungroovy (or me) and not for it's actual shape which, upon first examination is actually rectangle-ish or, upon even closer examination, a trapezoid. That's a little geometry for the kids out there. Another thing to note, if you gaze upon the pictures below, it actually is closer to my actual hair color than The Hollywood was which made it a bit less obvious in it's fakeness ... not necessarily a good thing, though. I picked this one because I could place it well beneath my nose -- after yesterday's tickle-athon, my proboscis needed a serious break.

Anyway, the day started the same as the previous one ... bleary eyed, slightly grumpy (or was it cranky?), but this time I added "lazy" to my morning attributes and chose not to shave. [Fascinating fun fact: Brian does not usually shave every day as he assumes the ladies appreciate a bit of stubble on a guy; he also does not often talk about himself in the third person.] I suppose this goes against the overall theme of the mustache since I would assume that most squares shave daily (hey, maybe I'm not a square after all!). Or perhaps I'm putting way too much thought into this.  After completing the rest of my morning beauty regimen, I slapped that sucker on my upper lip and wandered out to greet the family before heading off to work. My 5-year-old daughter seemed a bit confused that I was wearing yet another fake mustache, but I was able to avert the question by exciting her with the promise that I'd let her have a "mustache fashion show" this weekend so she could try them all on for herself. Yay! Yes, there will be photos taken and posted (and said photos WILL make an appearance, along with several others I have stockpiled over the years, minutes before her first date).

Skip ahead to my work day (because nothing notable happened during my 45 minute commute, which is, believe me, a good thing). Many of my coworkers appeared as confused as my 5-year-old, but I didn't think the offer of a mustache fashion show would work on them so I mostly just smiled and continued on. I figured it's early in the week, I'm sure at some point the curiosity will get the best of them and then I'll give them my salespitch (hey, speaking of that, now would be the perfect time to head on over to that "donate" button at the upper right and support my daughter's school's art and music program!).

People's wildly varied reactions -- that's actually the funniest thing (to me) about this whole mustache silliness I've decide to partake in. I actually had a normal, 5 minute conversation with a coworker today (they were off the day before and were completely unaware of my shenanigans) before they paused a beat and finally said, "So what's up with the mustache?" That's amazing to me ... it took all of my efforts to try to keep a straight face during that first 5 minutes. I also ventured out to lunch today to (product placement) Subway and most of the people behind the counter didn't say a word; though I did get one lady to crack a smile. That said, this is Hollyweird we're talking about -- they've probably seen far crazier things and have learned that it's safer not to say anything. I was tempted to ask to have a photo taken with the manager (so at the very least I could offer some proof that I'm actually doing this), but they were busy and I figured that would be pushing my luck.

In the end, I find myself second-guessing the name of this particular mustache as well. Though upon application I did get a Ned Flanders (of The Simpsons) vibe from it (especially after the addition of the reading glasses I bought originally for my Dwight/Nordbergh Halloween costumes) in the end I think I wound up looking a bit more like Jeff Foxworthy. I do have to admit to a constant desire to say "okalee dokalee" during the day, though.

Well, it's late and I've got to wrap up today's post so I can get going on getting cranky and bleary-eyed for tomorrow morning. Thanks yet again for continuing with me on my journey into merry mustache madness! Be sure to tune in tomorrow for ... The Weasel!

The Informant 2?

Day One: The Hollywood

You came back! Hooray! Welcome back, my friend ... and now the continuing stoooory about a man, a mustache and a cause. [For first timers it might benefit you to read the Prologue, for which you'll find the link in the column to the right under "Blog Archive".]

So the first day of my challenge has come to an end and my mustache now lies wearily on the bathroom sink next to the toothbrushes, where it rests after a long, full day of serious mustaching. As I sit here typing this, I already feel a draft on my re-exposed upper lip, despite the 75 degree temperature here in Los Angeles (sorry, couldn't resist to mention that for all my friends and family who are freezing their tushies off in Wisconsin). So while the sun is setting on day one, let's time travel back to this morning, when a mustache known only as "The Hollywood" was fresh and new and ready to tickle -- err, tackle the day.

I woke up early this morning, as I do most early mornings, bleary eyed and slightly grumpy (I'm a night person). I stumbled into the bathroom, grabbed my old Mach 3 razor. lathered up and went right to work on my face (perhaps you heard the sonic booms, there were four). I wanted to have a clean canvas so that meant, along with the 3 days worth of stubble, the goatee beard had to go [A side note here: I always feel the need to say "beard" when I say goatee because thanks to that late 90s trend that saw most guys, myself included, growing that circle of facial hair around their mouths, that became my definition of goatee. But it turns out that's incorrect, as I recently looked up the term in the dictionary and it actually just refers to a type of beard, not a beard/mustache combo. But, I digress.] All existing facial hair had to go because I didn't want anything (well, anything that was removable anyway) taking the focus away from the mustache. For the same reason, I had also decided not to coordinate my hairstyle and/or wardrobe to each day's mustache. Plus that sounded like waaaaay too much early morning work for a non-morning person such as myself. So, that task complete, I reached for my unopened package of Stylish Mustaches.

Now, if you've seen the photo I posted of the Stylish Mustaches packaging, you probably noticed that "The Hollywood" is actually designated for Sunday. I made the bold (dare I say reckless?) decision to throw caution to the wind and ignore Accoutrement's (the company behind this wonderful product) recommendations and am going to choose my mustache solely based on my mood. Only time will tell if this is a foolish endeavor or not. I can see three guys in white lab coats at Accoutrement screaming at their computer screen while reading this, "That fool!!! We did three months of research on what mustache works best on which day and he just ignores it?!" For the record, I did take a moment to check the packaging for any kind of warning labels regarding this and the only one I found was for not letting children under 3 years old play with them as they are a choking hazard. Note to self: Do not let your 6 month old son play with your mustaches. Note to reader: Expect to see photos soon of my 6 month old son wearing said mustaches. Besides, given the fact that I actually work in Hollywood, it didn't seem right to not wear The Hollywood on a week day, wouldn't you say? On top of that, I felt the need to start with something flashy, something exciting. So there ... from here on out, expect the unexpected because this guy lives his life on the edge ... at least when faux facial hair is concerned.

Anyway ... I removed The Hollywood from it's cozy plastic bed in the package and begun to peel off the paper backing to reveal the sticky underside. Although I had early concerns that the adhesive on this product would not endure the rigors of a full day of use, I was pleasantly surprised when I placed it against my upper lip and realized that I was actually dealing with a well made product in that department. I know this because when i first put it on, it seemed too high on my lip so I needed to remove it and it put up a bit of a fight. The second attempt was more successful and I was ready to show it to the world. I kissed my family goodbye and I was off to Hollywood, wearing The Hollywood.

About 10 minutes into my drive to work the thing started to tickle my nose. Then it started tickling a lot ... and not in an Elmo, hee-hee kind of way -- in a "dear lord I've got to get this freaking thing off my face or I'm gonna run my car into a telephone pole because it's driving me insane" kind of way. I told myself to calm down ... I'm sure the feeling would pass and i would get used to it. I relaxed and took a deep breath. Then I became slightly concerned. What if one of those little "hairs" were to become dislodged, get sucked up my nose and find it's way to my brain? I can see the headlines now: MAN KILLED BY MUSTACHE! Not a pretty way to go. At 12 minutes in, I was ready to rip the thing off and throw it out the window. But no, I was dedicated to a cause (hey, right now would be a perfect time to move that mouse over to the upper left and hit that donate button!) and I wasn't going to give up this early in the challenge. Stay strong, I told myself. At about half an hour into my commute I was doing better. As I pulled into my work's parking lot, I was a bit disappointed not to see any paparazzi as a side-effect of wearing a mustache called The Hollywood, but what are you gonna do?

Okay, this blog is starting to turn into a novel (or blovel?) so I will try to summarize the rest of the day quickly. Most of my coworkers couldn't help but admire my new look ... often asking me if I had lost a bet. I informed them of the challenge I had given myself, the good cause behind it and the blog detailing it. All and all, It was a pretty quiet day, being a holiday for most lucky souls in L.A., so nothing too exciting happened. At one point, there was rumors of cupcakes here at work, but I didn't want to risk frosting clogging up the 'stache so I abstained.

In the end, looking at photos of myself in day one's mustache (yes, I confess I had a little too much fun there) I feel like "The Hollywood" may be a bit of a misnomer. Truth be told, I look more like a Super Mario brother than a A-List movie star. Ah well ... I'd better get going. It's getting late and I have to go rescue my wife from a big gorilla who's throwing barrels at me. Tune again tomorrow my friends ... same mustache time, same mustache channel!

The Prologue

Oh, hi … I didn't see you there. Well, since you were nice enough to click on the link that lead you to this here blog, I shall now explain myself.

The header on this blog, as you can plainly see, is Mustache Challenge 2011. Allow me to expound. You see, for Christmas this year, I was bestowed a gift like none other. Like Ralphie before me dreamed of getting an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred Shot Range Model BB Gun with a compass in the stock, this Christmas I set my sights on a product put out by a small Seattle based novelty company named Accoutrements. The product being … wait for it … Stylish Mustaches! Okay, so the title isn't as exciting (or detailed) as Ralphie's BB gun's was, but the product itself is no less tantalizing. Encased within a thin, clear sheet of plastic that has been lovingly sealed against a luxurious cardboard backing are seven (count 'em, 7!) differently themed faux mustaches. That's right, that means that there's a (mostly) different one for EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK! Or one for each dwarf if Snow White was a lazy shopper. Okay, so maybe at this point you're saying to yourself, what's the big deal, I can easily just grow a mustache – all I have to do is just simply not shave. To that I say, whatever. In this fast paced world that we live in today, having 7 pre-made mustaches at your disposal puts me ahead of the game and, if I might say so myself (and I will), on the cutting edge. Of what you ask? Exactly.

So that's the mustache part of the Mustache Challenge, but let's get down to the nitty gritty ... here, my friend, is the Challenge part. Having received such a lovely gift, I decided early on that I had a moral obligation to think of a way to “pay it forward” and I believe I finally devised a way. You see, my daughter Zoey (occasional star of my Facebook status updates) started kindergarten this past September at a charter school here in California. For those who don't know, charter schools fall somewhere between a public and private school and, as such, they rely heavily on donations and fundraisers, especially for their extra-curricular activities. Are you starting to see where I'm going here yet? Zoey's school's music and art program is the primarily focus of my proposition, simply because, I ask you, what fun is life without art and music? It comes down to this, I pledge to wear a different mustache for 7 days in a row, starting this Monday (Jan. 17) in exchange for your donations to my daughter's art and music program. No donation is too small here, folks… heck, five bucks is great, or even a buck a mustache if you're so inclined.

And when I say “wear” I mean for a full day. I plan to delicately incorporate the faux mustache adhesion into my morning routine. I have decided in advance that the most appropriate time would be immediately following teeth brushing because before would result in a toothpaste spattered mustache and I think it's safe to say that no one wants that. After affixing said faux facial hair to my upper lip, I will leave it on the entire day, no matter what happens. If I go to Subway (product placement) for lunch, the mustache will lead the way and help me order. If I have a presentation at work, then the mustache will, more than likely, help me seal the deal. If I get pulled over for speeding, then the cop will no doubt be envious and let me go with a warning. I'm seeing this portion of the challenge almost as an homage to Tyra Banks when she wore a fat suit for a day on her show and was treated differently as a result. I will witness first hand what kind of power and influence having a stylish mustache will bring my way and how differently people will treat me because of it. At the end of each day, it is my hope to not only post a picture or two, but also blog about my experiences. And if nothing interesting happens, as I'm sure is a distinct possibility, I will feel absolutely no shame in making something up in an effort to make a more interesting and/or entertaining blog.

Now, all that said, I feel the need at this point to give you my word that every dollar of your donations will, in fact, go to my daughter's school and will NOT, no matter how tempting, go towards buying more mustaches. I will accept these donations at any time during or after the challenge and will accept personal checks or simply click on the "Donate" button at the upper right to do so by credit card (via PayPal).

Thank you for your time and, hopefully, your donations. At the very least, I hope you will join me on this journey into a brave new and mustached world. Oh, and if you find this blog worthy, please pass this link on to your friends and family. I expect to be a guest on Conan or David Letterman by the end of the week. ;o{)